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Saturday, August 08, 2009 ♥

i'm feeling awful now, very awful.))):

need to talk to vic
but i've been ranting to her since forever.
feel so bad to always make her listen to all my crap which is all due to me being indecisive/softhearted/stupid/wadeva.
esp when it's like de exam period everyone have to study!
vic has a bright future ahead, haha.

hence, dear blog u shall be my temporary ears!

first of all, i guess msa2 will totally be a failure.
i'm in no mood to study and is totally distracted. :/

i'm actually amazed by how often this can happen,
and how affected i am due to it.
also, how self denial i can be.
i keep telling myself it'll be fine, everything will be alright.
it may eventually be, but as each day passes, that confidence just keeps decreasing.
my confidence, positive-ness isn't unlimited, there'll be an end somewhere, somehow.
and i don't dare to imagine wad will happen when i reach the end.

not ur fault, it's all me.
sensitive, insecure, paranoid, but that's me.
there's a thousand and one flaws i can think of myself, and with that, how proud can i be of myself? how can i think that u're proud of me too?
i have no confidence that u'll accept me for who i am. i ask myself, how can i be good enough.
there's a fearful side deep within.
that day, that date, i remember them all. they held a certain meaning to me but do u even think that it was something worth remembering? or it's nothing much to remember about?
how and where can i get all the confidence i need from?
i need to be constantly affirmed and i know it's irritating, it's troublesome maybe. :/
but that sense of security, it may not be important to u, but it is to me.

whenever i don't know wad to do, i'll just cry.
it's useless, it won't solve any problem.
but i really don't know wad else i can do!!
it's that frustration and emptyness.
"big girls don't cry", i'll forever be a small girl.

though i'm still smiling, thanks to all my friends who love me so much.
but when nobody's around, when i'm alone, when i finally have time for myself,
i can't make myself smile.

when i fall, i fall deep.
i can't fake that smile any longer. i want to smile from deep within.
i wish i wasn't such an emotional person, i want to be logical too.
i want to be normal, be a happy girl.
just like every other girl.

this post is so unlike me, doesn't sound like me at all.
i kind of don't know what i'm typing for almost half the post.


ARGHHHHHHHH! ))):